Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
