Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
