Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize