I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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