I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
