My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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