There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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