Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
