I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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