I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
