Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
