The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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