You made me cry and you don't even care
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
