Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize