she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
