I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize