Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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