I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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