I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
