I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
