Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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