Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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