I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
