Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
