The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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