you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
