hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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