Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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