i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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