someone threw a dead crab at me
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Randomize
