I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
