you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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