nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
it was like eating out sand paper
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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