last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
