Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
