I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
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