I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
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