yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
