can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
