I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
