Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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