dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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