i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
