Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Randomize
