the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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