i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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