On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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