I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
