so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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