Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
You need a sexual gate keeper
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
