turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
