apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
