Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
