if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
