there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
