she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
