I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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