she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize