Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
