I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I have already put on my inside pants.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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