did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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